Father's Love

I saw this video from Ms. Patty of NON.STOP.BABBLE and from the first few notes of the song alone, I knew it will make me cry a river.

For this song, beautiful is an understatement. I love how Bob Carlisle articulates the feelings of a father (Butterfly Kisses, and then this one) and I love the raw emotions Gary V. put in his version. I've watched it for the nth time and tears would still fall. How I really truly badly miss my dad.

Thank you, dad. Twenty-three years may be too short but you were nothing short of a loving father.

I Know You're Getting Sick of Me...

...sharing my emotional struggles but this is the best way I can let them all out so please indulge me one last time.


This morning I dreamt about Dad again and in my dream we weren't able to give him a decent interment ceremony. After the blessing in the church, the next thing I saw was his casket getting soaked in the rain. It was a torture seeing it, seeing the first man that you loved not getting the honor he deserves. When I opened my eyes, tears were unstoppable. I cried and cried and cried until I fell asleep again.


As soon as I am back to dreamland, Dad is there again. This time he's with me and my mom, and he's being his usual cheerful self. We exchanged jokes, talked about a lot of happy stuff and we even asked him what heaven is like. Even the ending was on a happy note with him playing pranks on his friends as we walk past them -- exactly how he does it when he was still alive.


And then I realized, after the sad segment of my dream, I could have just had an empty sleep but no, Dad came back to cheer me up. He doesn't want me to dwell on negative emotions and only wants me to remember the happy man that he was. Even in the after life, he cared for me so much and that alone is enough for me to still feel blessed despite the loss. Thanks dad, I love you from the bottom of my heart.


And by the way, when I asked him why we can see him, his answer is, "Because it's raining." What is it with rain that makes spirits visible to the human eye, I too don't know. But if it means being able to spend more time with Dad like he never left, oh God, please let it rain all the time! :)

Thank You, Dad

For visiting me last night.. in my dream, thank God :-)

You see, before I sleep, I always ask Dad to visit me in my dreams. He rarely does, and on most times, it's vague and I hardly remember what happened the moment I wake up. So when I read my cousin's status in Facebook saying she dreamt about my dad greeting her on her birthday, I was so jealous. He didn't even greet me on mine :(

Maybe there's Facebook in heaven and he was able to read my comment because he paid me a visit in my sleep the next evening. In my dream he asked for a hundred pesos then gave me a change of about eight pesos (yuh, I remember the littlest details this time! :D). A few minutes after he handed me the coins, he saw something that he wanted to buy and told me that he needs the 5-peso coin back. In between laughters, I told him that some things really never change.

I can't help but cry as I remembered that dream on my way to work this morning. Yeah, I still cry at the most random time and place whenever I think about him. I guess I miss everything about Dad. When he was still with us, he would go to work and make both ends meet for the family with his meager income. But during times when his budget falls short and there won't be enough for his motorcycle's gasoline, he would wake me up early in the morning to borrow money so he could go to the office. I get really grouchy when he does that because (1) I hate waking up early; and (2) I'm worried that my stash, too, won't last until my next payday. Now I wish he would still do that because I miss him so much. I can't help but feel bad because now I earn more than enough and I can give him more than a hundred bucks but he's no longer here. It sucks because I may have a 6-digit savings account, the latest gadgets, expensive travels, nice shoes, clothes and bags, but in my heart is a huge hole that only dad can fill.

I wish I could just go back to when my life was a little tougher. At least back then, I have my father :'(

P.S. If you can read this, Dad, ngayong gabi ulit, ha?